Learning to Wait

I've come to realize that waiting has been the hardest part of this entire journey. I have a running question that I fully intend to ask God someday. Was my life actually filled with more uncertainty than average, or did my need for control simply make every unknown feel disproportionately large? I'm honestly not sure. What I do know is that trusting God in uncertainty has always been one of my biggest challenges.

 Reflecting on my life, I can see that many of the places where God has grown me have been these in-between seasons—the spaces where there was nothing left to do but lean on Him. I'd like to think I've gotten better at it over the years. As the stakes have risen, my trust has grown, even if it hasn't always grown as quickly as I'd like.

Whether I truly experience more uncertainty than most people or simply perceive it more intensely, I believe God has used those seasons to shape me into someone who depends on Him a little more than I otherwise would. I'll let you know if my theory is correct when I get the chance to ask Him face to face.

The fall of 2025 became our first major season of waiting. We waited to obtain medical records that never came. We waited to find someone willing to do the testing. We waited for an appointment. Then we waited for results. Meanwhile, my brain did what my brain does best. I mentally walked through every possible outcome I could come up with, no matter how unlikely. I created many hypothetical conversations. I rehearsed confrontations that never happened. I built mental spreadsheets of probabilities and risk. If this happened, then we'd do this. If it didn't, then maybe we'd do that instead. Over and over again.

Some of those questions still don't have answers today. For someone who thrives on clarity, that has been incredibly difficult. One of the hardest lessons God continues to teach me is that complete understanding isn't always available this side of heaven. Sometimes faith isn't trusting because we've found all the answers. It’s accepting that we may never get them. I can't pretend I've mastered that lesson, but I'm certainly getting plenty of opportunities to practice.